Peter Priesthood

''Whatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side. Even if he crosses the tracks he'll still be on the right side.''

He is the pinnacle of what a priesthood holder should strive to be: a Bishop twice, an Elders' Quorum President thrice, a Young Men's President once, and he aspires to be a Stake President and beyond.

It is imperative that he avoid any appearance of evil. He shaves twice a day to ensure that the evil known as facial hair does not make an appearance. The only bearded men allowed in his house are pictures of Jesus, and maybe some of His apostles and a few modern prophets (used sparingly). He protects his from family seeing evil, too: he refuses to let his sons to go to swimming pools or outside on summer days due to concerns of "pornography."

The family is of utmost importance to him. Five weeks after returning home from a thrice-extended mission (they wouldn't let him extend further), he married his wife Molly in the Salt Lake temple; exactly nine months later their first child was born. He met her his first Sunday in the singles ward—the week after his homecoming talk. They would have been engaged on Monday, but he wouldn't buy a ring on the Sabbath. He is the master of the swear jar in the house—including for guests and whoever was foolish enough to watch The Simpsons on television. All of his sons fourteen and older have their Eagles (and are working toward palms if they don't already have them), and his daughters are not allowed to talk to boys until they're twelve.

He is admittedly a bit overweight—while he would love to exercise as encouraged by the Word of Wisdom, he is just too busy with his job, callings (real and imaged), and his oversized family. You see, the pinnacle of righteous priesthood holders shouldn't have time for their own interests or health.

His commitment to the commandments is unwavering. He continues to follow many of the mission rules, even though he's been home for twenty years. His long-standing record of 100% home teaching (including tacking down people on vacation), always on the first day of the month, nearly gave him an article in the Ensign. Speaking of the Ensign, the only publications allowed in his house are ones officially published by the Church.